Posted in Time Tourists
July 24, 2019

10 Tips for Time Traveling Trolls and Tricksters

A blog by Hailey Addison

So, you’ve acquired a time machine. Whether you’ve invented it yourself or accidentally discovered it when you stepped into that totally anachronistic phone box, the result is the same; you’ve got the ability to go anywhere and anywhen. Now, what do you do with it?

If you’re like me, you don’t want to do the same old boring things like killing Hitler or helping your past self pass high school. You’d rather come up with something original. Here are ten ideas:

10. Spoil everything

As a time traveler, you know how everything ends. Won’t it be fun to share that knowledge? “Oh, you’re reading book one! Here’s a list of everyone that dies during the series.” Sure, you’ll lose all your friends, but you can just go back to before you annoyed them and annoy them again.

9. Steal fame and fortune

Find a massively successful franchise like Harry Potter or Game of Thrones. Take the books to some point before they were published and publish them yourself. Bonus points if you do it while the author is still brainstorming it. That way you’ll get letters from them demanding to know how you stole the ideas directly from their brain.

8. Be cool before cool is cool

Learn all the memes and catchphrases from the future and start referencing them now. Eventually, these memes and catchphrases will enter the mainstream naturally, but people will believe that they’re already old because you’ve been using them for a while.

7. Become the best art forger ever

Find authentic pieces of art; paintings, pottery, etchings, etc. Bring them to the present and pass them off as reproductions of ancient pieces. Bonus points if you take an actual reproduction and swap it with the original.

6. Profit on nostalgia

Have you ever looked up old toys on eBay? Try it. Look up Lite Brite, Teddy Ruxpin, or even better, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Sort your search results to show highest price first just to see how expensive these things get. Imagine how much money you could make today with just a few of these old toys. Well, it’s not too late. Just go back to the past and buy them new. Make sure to bring money that was minted before the year you’re going to.

5. Be a conservationist for all the wrong reasons

It’s always tragic when a species goes extinct. Why don’t you bring a few back? I’m not talking about the Tasmanian tiger, passenger pigeon, or even the dodo bird. Those were all too recent. Bring back something more vintage like the compsognathus or an oviraptor. Quietly release them into the wild to maximize the surprise.

4. Quote every time travel movie

This one is less about what you do but how you do it. It’s more fun to visit ancient Germany in the 1700s if you tell them, “I’ll be Bach,” or to tell the Greeks, “Rhodes? Where we’re going, we don’t need Rhodes.” It doesn’t matter that they won’t get the jokes – make them anyway.

3. Cheat at life

End every day by making a to-do list about the day you just had and deliver it to your past self. That version of you will have a better day than you had and the one after that will have an even better day. You will be grateful that future you gave you the right answer to “Does this make my butt look fat?”

4. Sleep in every day

This isn’t a tip or trick. This is essential. Never be late for anything again. Always have enough time to study or play video games or whatever you want/need to do. You have a time machine! Use it every day, several times a day.

 1. Answer the deep questions

Why ask people to accept your opinions when you can “quote” the wisdom of the ancients. You’ll have to do a little research for this, but it will pay off. Find an ancient artefact and add your opinion to it. To be effective, the artefact must be discovered at a time when you want your point to be made. For example, I plan to find a Dead Sea Scroll that has been discovered since 1997 and add the phrase, “Han shot first.” That will clear up all confusion.

Whether you use these tips or not, have fun on your adventures through time and space. If you have any unique adventures I didn’t think of, be sure to leave a comment below, or on a piece of papyrus.

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