Posted in Nerdy Musings
January 21, 2015

Useless Superpowers

Wolverine can heal from just about any wound. Cyclops can shoot lasers from his eyes. Magneto can control metal. Jubilee can… um… well, she can make little sparkling lights appear. Now, I’m not saying this is a useless superpower. It would be pretty handy on the 4th of July. Besides that, though, it’s useless.


Here’s a list of useless superpowers.


Permanent Magnetism:

All metal objects are attracted to you at all times. You can’t turn it off. Watch out for that wrench!



Spitting acid would be pretty cool if you had an acid-proof mouth and an acid-proof body. Too bad you don’t. Using your power will kill you.



You have the ability to read the thoughts of fish. They’re boring.


Entomonic Clairvoyance:

You see dead bugs. Your ability lets you see the ghosts of dead insects. There are a lot of dead insects.



You have the ability to shed your hair at will. You have to wait for it to grow back, though. This could actually be useful if you enjoy the cue ball look.


X-Ray Vision:

The power that Superman has is not X-Ray vision. We call it that because it’s a catchy name that explains what he does. Real X-Ray vision would allow you to see only the densest matter in your field of view. You wouldn’t be able to read or watch TV. Also, you’d give everyone around you cancer.


Microscopic Vision:

You can see the smallest detail. Too bad you can’t see bigger stuff like that wall you’re about to walk into.


Telescopic Vision:

You are far sighted… very far sighted. You like looking at Pluto. Saturn, of course, is amazing. The moon is a little too close for you to see the details. You will never know what people look like until an astronaut goes for a space walk. Then you’ll have to try to imagine them out of their space suit… you perv.


Super Smell:

You can smell everything. EVERYTHING!


Super Smell:

Your odor is intensified to a degree previously unknown to mankind. For some reason, you can’t seem to get a date.


Super Taste:

Your sense of taste is greater than that of a mere mortal. It isn’t more refined. You just sense flavor more intensely.


Super Touch:

Raindrops feel like rocks. Taps on the arms are hammers. Your bubble is small.



You have the ability to hear color. You prefer the dark where it’s quiet.


Detachable Nose:

As a child, adults would get freaked out when playing ‘got your nose’ with you.


Eidetiotic Memory:

You are able to clearly remember every time anyone has ever insulted you.



You can walk through walls. You can also fall through floors. Have fun at the center of the Earth!



You have the ability to control potatoes. I have to admit, I actually want this power. Sounds tasty!

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